What you feel? What does one feel when they have a child going through PTSD? How does one react when you don't know what to do? I can tell you what......
You feel hopeless as you watch your baby crying as she tries to understand, as you hear her frustration as she tells you she thinks there is something wrong with her brain.
You feel useless as she begs you to help her stop being naughty when she begs you to help her make better choices or to help her understand why her choices always go wrong.
You feel let down, by a system that was supposed to help. By people who are there to provide answers, and help.
You feel helpless, because no matter how many calls you make, no matter how many times you as for help, no matter what you do, nobody is doing the things they promised.
You feel mistrust for those who are supposed to be helping, but who end up making things worse, or who just don't step up or show up.
You feel angry that she has to suffer such pain, you feel angry that she and the family are stuck in a holding pattern. You feel angry that everything you do nothing ever seems to make her pain go away.
You feel scared that she won't be strong enough to keep going, that one day she will hurt herself so bad. You feel scared about what each day will bring for her.
You feel lost, as you have no idea what you can do differently, that could make things easier for her.
You feel exhausted, from the constant battles that you face most days, not just with miss 13 but with the mental health system and the people who are supposed to help her.
You feel hatred, for the behaviors that somehow end up defining her to others, hatred for the behaviors that you know are not the person she wants to be or even is under everything
You feel anxious because no matter how hard you try, any word, look or question could be the trigger for another episode.
You feel proud, of all the hard work she has done so far, and you know that she will continue.
You feel sure that she is strong, she is stubborn and whether we want to accept it or not that she is a fighter.
You feel like you need to protect her from the world and all those who judge her without knowing her story.
You feel love because she is your daughter and no matter what she does, no matter what she says, no matter how hard she pushes you, you can not turn off that love because ultimately you know who that girl is hiding away under everything.